Monday, August 3, 2015

A Heart Touched Again...

Vowed to never let another in
Close, seal and put away I did
But naive was I proved
When time and tide moved
When his pain sailed in
Whose dearness I realized
When I drank the pain in his eyes.


Tuesday, July 1, 2014

When you leave behind a life…

When you leave behind a life
There can only be fear, to mask which you fake excitement for the unknown future.
Moments hence forward will measure “Have you made it?”
Sorting the real from the lies becomes tougher with each passing moment
Returning doesn’t seem to be an option
Constructions of an alternate reality promises momentary respite
Longing for the known…the simpler nooks and crannies can be an experience you’d wish for none

Friday, October 22, 2010

A Fleeting Glimpse of “Lunacy”

A woman she is or so she would have like to be categorized as, had she been aware of it.
But she wasn’t.

It was yet another mundane ride to office. Having said that, a fresh new day, does manage to get me all perked up, for no apparent reason what-so-ever. So there I sat in that bus, at my favourite window seat, self-absorbed and snug on a winter morning, as it approached a regular stop on its daily route. Peering out, a glimpse shook me out of my smugness.

A woman disarrayed in literally every sense of the word – unclothed, ‘disoriented’ and in absolute mess, squatted on the pedestrian path. Strake naked, without a shred of cloth on her dirt-coated back (stirring clear of further description), she sat trying to figure out the reason for the furor around her, as the passers-by and the bystanders gaped at her and passed lewd comments on her obliviousness. All of a sudden the world seemed interested in her. Smiling under a confused expression, she seemed to be delighted at the ruckus that these odd clothed creatures were making. Unable to summon up, it had certainly caught her interest initially and she even seemed to welcome this blatant onslaught of curse and mockery. But it was fast wearing off. Soon she too was pointing fingers, cursing and murmuring... may be to silence them, but to no avail...and that was all that I saw before my bus pulled out of the stop and the mêlée faded away.

Onwards from here, only one question remained. Seriously? Isn’t there any sense left in us humans, any more than to derive mean pleasure from a mentally ill person’s oddity?

Thursday, February 4, 2010

No. Not explaining or analysing anything. It’s just a broken string of reflections.

I feel this moment…this very one.
It’s good.
Peaceful…one with myself, I am at rest.
It’s devoid of pain and fear… I am me for now.
I lay down my pretension, let go of my inhibitions and give myself up to the time and the moment.
I hear my thoughts…it’s been long since we met.
A million hopes fly by- my wishes and fantasies…to fulfill which, I run. Have lost count of how many they were.
But for now, they are not bound to me.
This moment in time …. It’s me.

We no longer let ourselves be. The race is on…day in and day out. And on the way all that’s left to show for it are the people we hurt, the tears we didn’t see, nameless faces, the words unspoken, the help not lent, the moments lost, thoughts unexplored…this rut that we call life, has left us numbed. There is no denying the remorse that we live with. But then weren’t these the compromises that we drew to make this life, a little more bearable, as we run to feel it all, see it all and live it all? And even when the finishing line is near, all that we have for real is an illusion, a compromise.
Oh if we were to feel the utter joy of sheer nothings in life!
• Sleeping to the sound of rain drops falling on the roof
• A palm caressing your hair
• Rocking to sleep, on the berth of a train like a baby in a cradle
• A stray hair wandering on your face as the wind blows by
• The tingling sensation of tracing names on your back
• Cuddling a baby
• The aroma from a hot mug of coffee
• A whiff of wet sand after rain
• Walking bare-foot on dewy grass
• Bathing in a stream
• The smell of forest
• And exactly that! That thought that you thought of but didn’t find it here.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

His self-esteem chose to eat out of a waste bin than to hold out his hands and beg…

I stood there waiting for my friend to arrive. I was getting annoyed as he had taken too long and it had been a tiring day for me. Shifting my weight from one leg to the other, shielding my eyes from the glaring sun, I peered to gaze as far as possible, hoping to see him hurrying towards me, but to no avail. He was nowhere in sight. Having nothing else to do, while I waited, I started watching the people passing by and the ladies selling ethnic Indian artifacts on the floor. There were shops all around me - three big names in the fast food chain, a famous shop selling milk shakes, a man selling cold drinks and mineral water from his cycle cart, a beggar girl selling roses and a corner shop selling imported perfumes and other toiletries. The workers at an excavation site, just a stone’s throw away from where I stood, were creating a racket with their power drills and other tools. Everyone was busy. People were walking by rather purposefully… all had some dead line to meet...a bus to board, an appointment to keep, a destination to reach...

Then I saw him. A man in his late forties. His soul seemed crushed and he staggered pretty aimlessly. He was unkempt but not grubby. His shoes were worn out but polished. He looked tired and carried an old crushed polybag (by the look of it, it seemed that he was carrying a file inside) close to his chest. He walked with a slight bend in his back. There was no trace of a smile on his face. I doubted if he smiled often. His hair was a mixed shade of gray and brown…disheveled, rough and not paid much attention to. A stoke of ill fate seemed to have struck him off-guard. But definitely he had seen better days. He walked slowly and as close to the side walls and corners as possible, as if not wanting to come in anybody’s way and attract attention. Lost in some thoughts and frowning under his bushy grey brows, all of a sudden he quickened towards the a tall green public waste bin made of iron, kept out side the fast food giant’s store. He lifted the lid and peeped in for a second. Then lowering the lid, he scanned the life happening to his left and then to his right...probably looking for any familiar faces…that might cause him shame. While his eyes frantically searched the crowd, they momentarily rested upon me, sending me into an immediate stir to cover up for my unapologetic stare. Whatever I did, it seemed to have conveyed to him that I had no interest in his errand, as he calmly got back to lifting the lid back off the bin and sifting through the waste in it. After a few moments of searching he lifted something wrapped in a tissue paper. From where I stood, it looked like a half eaten burger. He bit into it. He liked it. Letting go of the lid, he squatted on the floor to enjoy the meal that he had just found. The bin hid his frail body from my gaze. As if it were cosmos’s own way of shielding the compromising situation of this man from the only audience that he was unaware of. For all the confusing thoughts that flooded my mind and the emotions that this sight had stirred within me, I did not desire to mortify him or outrage his modesty. Thus, I decided to stir clear of buying him a meal.

I had seen - man laid bare. His shame..his worst fear, his anxiety. What had gone on behind his hungry scavenging? What must have been his mental and emotional state? He looked like he had been looking for a job (by the file in his hand). That day was definitely not his lucky day. Did he have other hungry stomachs to feed back home? Or was he a loner? I can’t decide which would have been better- to have had someone to rest his woes in but who was equally anguished, or to have no worry of liabilities and be left alone in one’s worries too. I couldn’t help but doubt my every achievement, my every quest…all that I thought that was mine and that I wanted to make mine. That ninth dress that I want to buy, that fifth pair of shoes that I need. Are they all really needs? Why can I never draw the line? His self-esteem chose to eat out of a waste bin than to hold out his hands and beg. I do not consider myself much to say of both either self-esteem or of begging. All that is left of that day within me is a reiterating question that keeps imposing itself…how long would it have been, before hopelessness got the better of him? Had he been able to hold on..hang in there until fate reversed?

Monday, July 6, 2009

Can’t Fight This Feeling..

I can never contain it…this immense longing for rain. That feeling…a heart full of some never decipherable emotions.. waiting to burst out. Crazy as it may sound, but even the barely credible metrological department’s ‘No Rain Today’ predictions fail to curb it. The smallest splotch of dark cloud in the sky sets my hope racing. “Rain. Let it rain. Please please let it rain”. Never does my secular self display such devout pleas as on one such day.

There is something about the gentle drizzle on the street and the dark sky. I can’t help; but hold out my palm, to enjoy the most beautiful thing that God created. Rain! I pine for the feeling of rain drops falling on my face…then opening my mouth and containing as many drops as possible. The joy of touching and bursting the bubbles left behind by a droplet that has just been engulfed by a puddle is unmatched. Even as the cool breeze soothes out the summer woes, the thunderbolts break open the walls that I’ve made around myself, to ward off pain. Here I am at my vulnerable best…as the rain drenches me in a sense of solitude no matter how crowded the street. Almost a sadistic pleasure…it becomes a reminiscence of all that is now gone…opportunities lost, people left behind… days that were and dreams unrealized.

The leaves are wet and washed in a rich shade, as the drops roll and drip off their tips. I now am aware of a yearning, a pain that’s deep within...I want to melt and flow with the drops that fall on me... to subside with them into the soil…into neverness. Not wanting it to end, a wish escapes my lips... "Rain, reign on."

Saturday, July 4, 2009

The perfect place..the place to pour it all - the million thoughts that circulate the matrix of my brain. A wishful leap to catch its pen them down..this is..My Blog.